menanti kebaikan

Tidakkah Tuhan-mu Maha Sempurna dengan segala penciptaan-Nya. Tuhan ciptakan manusia sedetail mungkin dengan segala kerumitan pola pikir, perasaan, ingatan, dan jutaan saraf yang menghubungkan satu dan lainnya? dari setiap hal-hal kecil tersebut, Allah ciptakan definisi pulang ke haribaan-Nya sehingga menusia menemukan kata “tenang”. 

kadang lucu bila dipikir, Allah hadirkan banyak manusia dengan penuh kebaikan, menawarkan rumah dan bersedia memberikan kasih sayang dan usahanya, sepanjang aku ingat, namun, terkadang hati dan waktu tidak tergerak untuk menyambutnya begitu saja, entah apakah itu yang disebut takdir-Nya? hidup tidak sesederhana hitungan pasti matematika, kenapa manusia tidak bisa memilih apa yang terlihat mudah dan di depan mata namun justru berjalan memutari lingkaran tanpa akhir itu? apakah itu namanya benang merah kehidupan yang tidak kasat mata?

manusia dan 1001 perasaannya ini hanya bisa selalu berdoa kepada Tuhan-nya agar sedianya senantiasa menunjukkan pilihan terbaik-Nya, karena yakin yang Allah sandingkan pasti akan menjadi yang terbaik, apapun definisinya. hati ini tidak pernah menggebu-gebu, memaksa, hanya mengharap kebaikan dan segala apa yang baik menurut pengetahuan-Nya. karena kusadari dalam banyak bab hidup, manusia hanya mampu berencana, namun mewujudkan adalah sepenuhnya hak prerogatif Tuhan. Mau semudah apa berjalan lurus kedepan, apabila jalannya harus berlika-liku pada akhirnya jalanan itu yang harus dilalui. at the end of the day, I am just a woman, hanya berharap aku dipersatukan dengan manusia yang menghadirkan tenang dalam hidupku, menyayangiku, menghargaiku, menjagaku dengan sepenuh hati, dan mengusahakanku dalam setiap fase hidupnya, sebagaimana aku selalu menanti, memperjuangkan, dan mendoakannya. 

dengan mengucap nama Allah yang Maha Pengasih dan Maha Penyayang, hidup ini milik-Mu, ya Allah..

tertanda,

hamba-Mu yang berserah.

Starting point

All praises to Allah SWT, the highest almighty in the entire universe.

I want to share this journey, the journey of pursuing my dreams. This story is not the end of my journey, but yet a point where this all will begin insyaAllah.

From this ordinary girl who writes her dreams one by one at the end of every year, hoping her wish list one day will come true. Who knows? Never stop believing in His timing. Dream big, because those of your dreams will secretly bring your steps towards the goals you want to aim, far beyond your consciousness :)

Long story short, throw back to last April, there was a free language preparation course from my office and I asked permission to my chief of sub division to join. Turned out, after I signed in, if I joined the course, I should commit to register my self in a scholarship registration opening which at the end of June. So that was it, this journey started from me being trapped by that condition. 

April, May, June.. around those months, I started to do some research about what and where I should study and looked for its requirements, especially about the language requirements. Then, I went back into the scholarship requirements. I thought .. I should get the scholarship first after all, so I focused my self more into that at first. I read about what I need to prepare for the administration's selection. Also, I learn about the type of scholarship that available for me. Well, there are many types of scholarship's entries and they have different conditions and terms.

On top of that, I did that while still busy juggling between works. It has been crazy days for me. I even asked for permission to my mentor for two weeks between the course because I delegated to join an supervision activities for half of the month at outside the island.

Honestly, I was not hoping much that time considering the small amount of time that I have to prepare it the right way. But, I keep doing my best that I could. I spent my weekend to study. Every time, I went home from office, I continue to study with the rest of my energies that left. I rarely joined my friend went here and there, sometimes I felt bad for them, but they could understand and supported me after all. Sometimes, at weekend I choose to rest my mind only for doing nothing or cleaning my room and start again. Every thing was running in circle.. until the test day came. :') what a surprise, I bet Allah's help is near. My result passed the requirement. It only left two days before the registration closed. I didn't sleep that night and sent my application. I felt relieved.. At least, I've done my commitment to my office, whatever the result is. But, what another surprise, I passed all of the selection processes until the last one. And here I am today, busy applying for universities and waiting for my letter of acceptance coming in my mail. 😅🙇 Looking back into it, maybe if I am not trapped like that, I would not get anywhere after all, so I feel thankful to whatever happens. :')

During the process, I have been feeling like riding in a roller coaster. It is not easy to keep my mind positive and my motivation high all the time. Sometimes, I feel small and scare. Another time, I feel impatient and ready to fly higher. So the point is, whatever my struggle I do in this world is, I also need to do something to keep my mental steady and healthy, which is, spend time talking to my Creator.

Every time, I passed the selection phase, the more I try to let things go in His direction. Whether if I will succeed in my first time or not.  So, I don't have much burden in me. I keep asking to my own self, 'am I really ready and able to do this?' - well, the answer is in the future, no one can see what is in there. that is why I think I should just turn all of my questions into prayer and do my best to make my self a worthy one.

To all my fellow reader, please wish me tons of luck in years ahead.

P.S I always pray you the same.

and happy new year to all of us.

always, love, 

R.

Their life also matter

As an auditor, I've got the opportunity to go more than just to my houses, but to see many people's lives. Though I am still new, these opportunities always teach me a new lesson and widen a new perspective in seeing this life, and successfully touch me in the part of my heart that I never knew it existed before.

it's been a common point of view that most people hate an auditor. Who likes to be disturbed with what we have done? Life should be moving forward, seeing the future. But, sometimes, the existence of auditor may force someone to look back, to think back, about what they have done, which is sometimes it is not all is a good thing. 

But after went places to places, door to door, I want to see my role from different perspective. If I have to be a good auditor, I do it because everyone who has the right to get a better quality in their life, better chances, deserve to get what they have to. In terms, of buildings, services, etc. I want to be the hand who help to make sure of that. We never know even the smallest amount of our effort or what we can give to other people may affect those people's live that we never imagined. so always be kind, be kind, be kind and integrity.

I've seen that not everyone can access a clean water to wash their body, to do the dishes. I've seen that not everyone can sleep in a good houses with good life's facilities around their environments. But they remain kind. They share whatever they have in their houses. Life is so much more than what we wear, what our occupation is, how we look like, but what is inside us that matters. I wish, if my dreams will bring more benefit to many people, will make me useful for many people, please make it easy, ya Allah. 

Don't ever forget to be grateful for your small privilege.

Thank you Allah, You've been very kind to me.  Alhamdulillah

R.

give it a try

find the right quotes to describe my latest condition, "when you focus on the good, the good gets better". all that I can say, every journey starts from a single step, so don't be hesitate to make your first move towards the things you've been aiming, dreaming, and wishing for.

"effortlessness is a myth" 

so your journey might be full of blood, tears, and failure, but don't give up, your hard work will bring you somewhere, if it's not where you wanted to be, still - it's where the best for you. just trust His promises.

Dreamer

Maybe, there are so MANY cooler, more successful, and better in every way people OUT THERE. but don't feel small, don't look down on your self, you have the 100% chance that you're gonna be one of them, a very soon at the moment after now. You're gonna make your own kind of successful cause we are fighting in our own battle, so keep believing in yourself, write your wish list, dreams, and goals. Work hard, pray, pray, and ask for your parent's blessing, it will take you THERE. 

Fingers crossed.

See you on top! :)

Ad Astra Per Aspera

Semasa kecil, aku tumbuh di suatu lingkungan yang penuh dengan pola pikir kalau yang terbaik itu harus selalu jadi nomer 1, tercepat, terpintar, tercantik, terbaik, dan ya itu semua terukur dari hasil akhirnya aja. tapi bersyukur, seiring beranjak dewasa, hidup mengajarkan banyak hal, salah satunya tentang kegagalan. dari situ, belajar mengambil hikmah, kalau berhasil atau gagal ga serta merta hanya diukur dari hasil akhirnya aja, tapi juga tentang bagaimana memaknai prosesnya, perjuangannya, dan segala jatuh bangun yang berada diantaranya.

Waktu itu sempat lagi berfikir di siang-siang bolong, mengingat-ingat tentang "how did I get here?" diantara kekhawatiranku akan "being late" dalam perjalanan hidupku ini, aku tersadar, emang ada kuasa yang lebih besar yang Maha Mengatur akan semuanya, yang terkadang membuat kita harus berputar-putar dulu, alih-alih langsung sampai di suatu tujuan. yang mungkin aja, sebenernya, kita bisa banget loh sampai sana, tapi kalau waktunya belum ya belum, ya gak bisa, ya belum saatnya.

Kadang-kadang hal-hal kayak gini emang cuman bisa diketawain dan dijadikan pelajaran aja. Karena, rasanya kalau cuma disesalin, aku hanya akan jadi orang yang kurang bersyukur. dan diatas segalanya, semua itu sudah aku laluin dengan aku perjuangkan dengan daya upayaku sendiri, namun ya itulah poinnya, semua usaha akan sia-sia jika belum atas izin-Nya.

Kadang takut banget kemakan pikiran sendiri atas penilaian orang-orang, yang mungkin sebenernya nggak ada juga sih ya yang mikirin wkwkwk emang suka geer dan overthinking aja kayaknya. Aku ingin menikmati prosesku, mensyukuri apa yang memang harus menjadi bagian dari perjalananku, nggak ada yang benar-benar tau apa yang aku lewati, gimana aku berjuang, jadi aku pengen bilang terima kasih kepada diriku sendiri. 

terima kasih sudah bertahan.

terima kasih sudah berjuang.

terima kasih sudah percaya dan tidak berputus asa.

always remember, don't take things for granted.

New journey

   `                                                    

Hallo, blog

Tiga per empat tahun yang naik turun tak terasa sudah berlalu. Kayaknya aku belum bilang disini deh, I've been moving to Jakarta, this time seems for a long period of time. I got my new full time job here.. Butuh beberapa waktu buat adaptasi di awal dan bener-bener nerima perjalanan baru ini. Karena aku pindah semakin jauh dari rumah, I can't quickly go back and forth to my home like I was before. Ya, tapi ini lah jalan yang aku pilih dan aku sudah berusaha menyiapkan untuk sampai di titik ini 6 bulan kebelakang kemarin, jadi harus benar-benar disyukuri dan dijalani dengan ikhlas insyaAllah, wish me luck 😊💖

Hujan-panas silih berganti di Jakarta sejak pertama kali aku pindah kesini. Harusnya sih udah masuk musim kemarau, tapi terkadang masih turun hujan disini. Surprisingly, Jakarta terasa lebih dingin daripada di Surabaya. Kalau kupikir-pikir, perjalanan baruku ini semacam runaway plan buat aku. Nggak tau, rasanya tahun lalu hidupku kerasa kayak benang kusut dan aku sudah hopeless. Still yet, today, I am still wondering, did my runaway plan really working out? 

Makin kesini, aku makin sering ngerasa gelisah. Ada aja yang bikin anxiety. Takut ketinggalan banyak hal dari orang-orang lain. Kenapa juga ya aku harus ngerasa gitu? Bahkan hal-hal kayak aku harus cari dokter behel baru, aku punya mata ikan, aku kena covid pertama kali, bener-bener bisa bikin aku ngerasa di my lowest point in life gitu. Pernah denger puncak quarter life crisis itu di umur dua puluh tujuh tahun.  Tau juga kan '27 club'? Deretan misteri artis yang bunuh diri di umur dua puluh tujuh tahun. ternyata emang "pressure" nya ada banget.

Udah di fase yang kalau lagi kumpul sama keluarga besar ditanya "kapan nikah" mungkin maksudnya peduli atau ngingetin, tp yagitu deh. kadang aku jadi bertanya-tanya sebenernya aku hidup mau ngapain ya? karena kalo toh aku punya rencana, punya target, tuh.. kembali lagi, di atas ada yang lebih Maha Mengatur gitu?

Aku gatau juga, kalo ternyata di 27 tahun ini, aku sedang hectic dengan urusan orientasi jadi pegawai. still clueless dengan kisah percintaanku juga, memulai financial planning dari awal lagi, pindah ke tempat baru, belum lagi ngerasa insecure sama keadaan diri sendiri? gigi berantakan, kulit tidak terawat? semakin susah susah susah untuk bersyukur karena semakin merasa banyak kurangnya. not in that gold years anymore gituloh.

jadi yaudalah.

mungkin post ini isinya sambatan hahaha tapi semoga cuma jadi media buat meluruskan isi pikiran aja ya. dan minta doa dan semangatnya selalu ya

after all i'm just a little tiny creature. so it's just it.

Best Moment 2021 : Hiking to 'Gunung Prau'

 time flies. 

Who knows, it left a month before the year turns into the new one again, wew. It actually did felt like "WHOAAA". The definition of the disaster keep coming back and forth. Too many thingsss changed during a year..  Probably it's like I am- assigned, to join an examination and taking topics of pandemic and quarter life crisis part.. fiuh.  Gotta give my self a little pat in the back for being such a strong girl... you're doing great!

I want to close this year by remembering the good things rather than the bad ones, so here I present you.. One of the best moment 2021 so far.. was my hiking journey to 'Gunung Prau' along with my other 13 friends.. it will always be missed and remembered, somehow. I actually could call it as a birthday journey, because the hiking did exactly on my birthday. I was thinking maybe I should giving my self a journey-gift once a year.. because it's actually giving me so much time to reflect and discover a new perspective. 

So, speaking about the hiking part. Prau is actually a good choice for such an amateur hiker for me. It's not too high or too hard to be climbed (as what I've experienced). We choose hike from 'Patak Banteng'. People say, this one was the hardest terrain to take but had the shortest distances. And one thing about hiking is never underestimate the weather. So please did a good preparation, such as for the water, food stock, warm clothes, blanket, etc. Cause, I actually almost experienced hypothermia during the night back then, I had no idea how to stop the cold, I've been wearing one warm cloth, two jackets, sleeping bag, warm gloves, socks, till Mbak Mia helped cover my toe with bag, then hugged me. :') The tent even getting watery even when it wasn't raining, due to the cold weather during the night..

Wish me luck, all. 

Cheers,

R.

Picking My Shoes.

The process to find it is like the journey to find a pair of new shoes. It goes through several windows shopping, deep conservation, collecting confidence that you'll found what you like if you keep searching, and many many disappointment if the whole searching process ends with no matching with your expectations.. 

Finding a pair of new shoes is not an easy job. Because, I have to find what really fits in me, including the size, color, model, comfort, and probably the price. It will end up hurting our feet, if it's too tight and far from comfort if it's too loose. 

There is this theory that comes in mind, when I met these shoes. Let's say, they are a perfect pair of leather shoes. They look fancy, they would probably look decent for every of my occasions. Leather shoes are well known for its durability and comfort. So I give a try and buy them at last.

Then what happened?

Those shimmering details doesn't feel as good as what I've imagined. It feels a bit uncomfortable for several early times I wear them, it takes some troublesome ways to take care of it, they may look good and suit for my appearance, but there will always that too much or too less.

Well, it works the same with relationship. It takes effort and time to finally fulfilling the expected expectation. It through so many adjustment to finally feel content or still not content in some moments. But that doesn't mean that the love you choose doesn't worth your decisions. You've counted it all, since the beginning. You know, it will make you feel good and not good at the same time, but- you still choose it instead. You finally know, that there is no perfection, maybe it looks appealing but it doesn't give you the comfort you seek, or well maybe the reverse.

I realize that, the process of finding the perfect shoes would never come to an end, because there is no such a thing as perfect, and I will keep just looking around, if I am not taking any decision to pick my most favorite pair of shoes and just give it a try. 

At last, I try to choose it and let it be my company. I want us to walk together and cherish the journey. From the happiest to the saddest. I want enjoy the rain and summer together. 

My riddle

It's a Friday night, now. Trying to enjoy my time by doing things that makes me happy, relaxing in my bed, playing some games, listening to songs, taking a bath, applying my skincare, and et cetera. Till I stuck at this song, which always been, my kind of being broken heart in a poetic way, since a long-long time ago. It was beautifully said.

Can you take a guess?

....

Over time our wires crossed

Well you changed and truth got lost

All the things I would change if we could only rewind

You were a moment in life that comes and goes

A riddle, a rhyme that no one knows

A change of a heart, a twist of fate

Couldn't fix it, it's too late

'Cause we don't, we don't need to talk about this now

Yeah we've been down that road before

That was then and this is now

The crowds in my heart they've been calling out your name

But it just don't feel the same

I guess it's over, yeah we're done

....

I remember how I used to mumble "Baby, I'm Yours" by Arctic Monkeys while thinking of you. I don't know but your existence somehow radiance that good feeling in me. You are a blessing to me, in a way I can't put into words. I thank to God that you are part of a chapter in my book.

Every time I spend with you, time feels slow down and I can take a break for whatever flood that raging in an un-normal way. Maybe you know it, or you don't, because you enjoy yourself pretending that you are not. Well cause practically, I've been trying to let you know that I am.

But those times feels like a long time ago. Now, it's time to take the serious matter, seriously. I got to admit that somehow life is getting boring and changing. But this time I really have to let go those paradoxical moments of being with you and hope it will slip away.

Maybe

This is the time,

time to let the riddle unanswered.

R.

Goodluck with life

Look at the way things happened to me just make me think.. It's such a shame how people see things just for money. I mean, really, Haven't you all felt the same way? People are dying just for money, success is money and relate to happiness. but really, is it all that it is?

I have to acknowledge lately. Happiness is not always about money, money doesn't  always represent the happiness tho. Rich people, poor people, they're all the same. Not all poor people are suffering, instead of happy being enough. And not all rich people are lucky, sometimes when they have too much money, they will use it to buy expensive things, and yes they'll look fancy, but when they can buy everything, then what? is it useful? no. Someday we will die anyway. what's the point of having too much money if those money wouldn't be for good deeds or for benefaction to other people?

I mean, if your money just drills for your own good, you will stuck at some point. But if your money goes on for others, that kind of happiness will be everlasting.

Because all that matters is yourself. You can feel happy being with the right people around you, or when you help people, or maybe that feel of being enough and just don't need any excessive things to complete you. Money comes and goes, but happiness doesn't. Sometimes you might feel that your previous happiness has gone, but actually it hasn't, your previous happiness has just stored itself back down in your memory. So happiness never goes away.

If you're feeling miserable just because you don't have money, think about it. Money is just one of a billion trillion keys out there that could open up a door to happiness. it's not always money that could give you happiness.