This tittle has been hanging on my mind for the past weeks. Trying to write what it means here. But I couldn't find the exact words to explain it. This thought, came in my mind when I was in the middle of crowds weeks ago. I looked at people who walked by, chatted here and there.. Smiled through the camera with their friend, or couple. While, I discover how lonely I am in a handful moments like that and realize how I camouflage my self all the time at so many time.
Well, honestly, I am not sure what I am going to share within this writing.. Just missing my routines to write on this blog.. But it's so hard these days to write, cause I don't think I had enough interesting stuff to share, or any tea to spill. But, I always wish you guys have a good life at anywhere you are now and I wish that you are happy.
So, I will just try to update how is my life going lately. Well, it just an usual day with an usual routine. Wake up, take a bath, go to the office, have some hectic days and most of the time just a chill day with an absurd task to do, then go back to my boarding house, buy dinner, playing my phone or read some books, then sleep. But, there is also this day, when I realize that I am already a 24 years old woman, who is going to be 25, in three months. So, honestly, sometimes I get in a moment when I am asking about my life to my own self.
What you want to do next?
Then, I stuck. I am not sure with the answer. I used to have many dreams with details. But, I guess I stopped being that person these last several years. I let myself withdrawn in the flow. Sometimes, this thought, came, I need someone to company me and enter the new chapter together. Because I think, I had completed my 'most basic and main' visions. E.g entering school that I dreamed of, being a bachelor, get job, buying stuffs that I couldn't afford before.
Months go by, but the sign of 'Muara' has not ever really came. Never expected that finding the one is actually hard at this crucial age. I don't know, am I too hard with my self? or too picky? or too clueless what I should do? Can't lie, I also felt that feeling of anxious at my several gloomy nights. But, this is the "turning point" came from. One day, I said to one of my friend, that I wanted to get married, but have no idea with who. Then she sent me, a wisdom quotes from an account, which said, "..rather than spending your time, being worry and anxious about your future spouse, better to prepare your self by reading any source of knowledge, improving your self, join group studies.."
And it was like an awakening moment to me. I started to (literally) listen (with maximum level of focus) to many online studies, listen to many podcasts, reading self improvement books, and keep praying. Now I have so many notes about it. It's so satisfying 😁 I think, you guys should try it too. It really can distract your times instead of doing nothing and being so blue.
See you soon, Muara. Hope you don't disappointed to meet me, then. 😊
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