Best Moment 2021 : Hiking to 'Gunung Prau'

 time flies. 

Who knows, it left a month before the year turns into the new one again, wew. It actually did felt like "WHOAAA". The definition of the disaster keep coming back and forth. Too many thingsss changed during a year..  Probably it's like I am- assigned, to join an examination and taking topics of pandemic and quarter life crisis part.. fiuh.  Gotta give my self a little pat in the back for being such a strong girl... you're doing great!

I want to close this year by remembering the good things rather than the bad ones, so here I present you.. One of the best moment 2021 so far.. was my hiking journey to 'Gunung Prau' along with my other 13 friends.. it will always be missed and remembered, somehow. I actually could call it as a birthday journey, because the hiking did exactly on my birthday. I was thinking maybe I should giving my self a journey-gift once a year.. because it's actually giving me so much time to reflect and discover a new perspective. 

So, speaking about the hiking part. Prau is actually a good choice for such an amateur hiker for me. It's not too high or too hard to be climbed (as what I've experienced). We choose hike from 'Patak Banteng'. People say, this one was the hardest terrain to take but had the shortest distances. And one thing about hiking is never underestimate the weather. So please did a good preparation, such as for the water, food stock, warm clothes, blanket, etc. Cause, I actually almost experienced hypothermia during the night back then, I had no idea how to stop the cold, I've been wearing one warm cloth, two jackets, sleeping bag, warm gloves, socks, till Mbak Mia helped cover my toe with bag, then hugged me. :') The tent even getting watery even when it wasn't raining, due to the cold weather during the night..

Wish me luck, all. 

Cheers,

R.

Picking My Shoes.

The process to find it is like the journey to find a pair of new shoes. It goes through several windows shopping, deep conservation, collecting confidence that you'll found what you like if you keep searching, and many many disappointment if the whole searching process ends with no matching with your expectations.. 

Finding a pair of new shoes is not an easy job. Because, I have to find what really fits in me, including the size, color, model, comfort, and probably the price. It will end up hurting our feet, if it's too tight and far from comfort if it's too loose. 

There is this theory that comes in mind, when I met these shoes. Let's say, they are a perfect pair of leather shoes. They look fancy, they would probably look decent for every of my occasions. Leather shoes are well known for its durability and comfort. So I give a try and buy them at last.

Then what happened?

Those shimmering details doesn't feel as good as what I've imagined. It feels a bit uncomfortable for several early times I wear them, it takes some troublesome ways to take care of it, they may look good and suit for my appearance, but there will always that too much or too less.

Well, it works the same with relationship. It takes effort and time to finally fulfilling the expected expectation. It through so many adjustment to finally feel content or still not content in some moments. But that doesn't mean that the love you choose doesn't worth your decisions. You've counted it all, since the beginning. You know, it will make you feel good and not good at the same time, but- you still choose it instead. You finally know, that there is no perfection, maybe it looks appealing but it doesn't give you the comfort you seek, or well maybe the reverse.

I realize that, the process of finding the perfect shoes would never come to an end, because there is no such a thing as perfect, and I will keep just looking around, if I am not taking any decision to pick my most favorite pair of shoes and just give it a try. 

At last, I try to choose it and let it be my company. I want us to walk together and cherish the journey. From the happiest to the saddest. I want enjoy the rain and summer together. 

My riddle

It's a Friday night, now. Trying to enjoy my time by doing things that makes me happy, relaxing in my bed, playing some games, listening to songs, taking a bath, applying my skincare, and et cetera. Till I stuck at this song, which always been, my kind of being broken heart in a poetic way, since a long-long time ago. It was beautifully said.

Can you take a guess?

....

Over time our wires crossed

Well you changed and truth got lost

All the things I would change if we could only rewind

You were a moment in life that comes and goes

A riddle, a rhyme that no one knows

A change of a heart, a twist of fate

Couldn't fix it, it's too late

'Cause we don't, we don't need to talk about this now

Yeah we've been down that road before

That was then and this is now

The crowds in my heart they've been calling out your name

But it just don't feel the same

I guess it's over, yeah we're done

....

I remember how I used to mumble "Baby, I'm Yours" by Arctic Monkeys while thinking of you. I don't know but your existence somehow radiance that good feeling in me. You are a blessing to me, in a way I can't put into words. I thank to God that you are part of a chapter in my book.

Every time I spend with you, time feels slow down and I can take a break for whatever flood that raging in an un-normal way. Maybe you know it, or you don't, because you enjoy yourself pretending that you are not. Well cause practically, I've been trying to let you know that I am.

But those times feels like a long time ago. Now, it's time to take the serious matter, seriously. I got to admit that somehow life is getting boring and changing. But this time I really have to let go those paradoxical moments of being with you and hope it will slip away.

Maybe

This is the time,

time to let the riddle unanswered.

R.

Goodluck with life

Look at the way things happened to me just make me think.. It's such a shame how people see things just for money. I mean, really, Haven't you all felt the same way? People are dying just for money, success is money and relate to happiness. but really, is it all that it is?

I have to acknowledge lately. Happiness is not always about money, money doesn't  always represent the happiness tho. Rich people, poor people, they're all the same. Not all poor people are suffering, instead of happy being enough. And not all rich people are lucky, sometimes when they have too much money, they will use it to buy expensive things, and yes they'll look fancy, but when they can buy everything, then what? is it useful? no. Someday we will die anyway. what's the point of having too much money if those money wouldn't be for good deeds or for benefaction to other people?

I mean, if your money just drills for your own good, you will stuck at some point. But if your money goes on for others, that kind of happiness will be everlasting.

Because all that matters is yourself. You can feel happy being with the right people around you, or when you help people, or maybe that feel of being enough and just don't need any excessive things to complete you. Money comes and goes, but happiness doesn't. Sometimes you might feel that your previous happiness has gone, but actually it hasn't, your previous happiness has just stored itself back down in your memory. So happiness never goes away.

If you're feeling miserable just because you don't have money, think about it. Money is just one of a billion trillion keys out there that could open up a door to happiness. it's not always money that could give you happiness.

Perjalanan menemukan jawaban

Lagi jenuh banget sama kerjaan rasanya pengen escape mulu, udah 8 bulan berkutat sama kerjaan ini tapi progress nya tuh kayak maju-mundur-balik ke awal lagi-kirain udah selese-atau approve-eh revisi lagi dan.. ya begitulah berasa gabisa keluar dari labirin. Tiba-tiba ada temen kantor, random banget, ketemu aku bilang "eh kayaknya kamu perlu baca buku ini" random banget gaksih? karena bukan yang temen deket yang aku ceritain aku punya masalah hidup apa.. lalu siang ini bukunya udh menggelepak di depan mataku, dan sekali baca langsung udah nyampek halaman 60.. karena lagi relate aja sama pertanyaan yang sedang mengiang-mengiang di kepala.. 

Ada lagi nih cerita lain, akhir-akhir ini, entah mengapa, jam berapapun aku tidur, mo cepet mo telat, jam 3.44 aku selalu kebangun. Jujur, sering banget tak abaikan, lalu aku tidur lagi, karena aku mikirnya, aku takut ngantuk waktu jam kerja? karena aku tipe yang kalo udh melek susah tidur lagi, sedangkan kadang aku tdr baru jam 12.. atau 12 keatas, jarang banget sebelum jam 12. Jadi kayak kasian aja sm diri sendiri, berasa kurang istirahat... Hingga suatu hari, salah satu temen update di IGstory, intinya cerita "Tanda-tanda ketika Tuhan merindukan hamba-Nya".. salah satunya kejadian yg aku alamin. Singkat kata, Tuhan tuh ingin aku bangun sholat tahajud, cerita sama Dia kekhawatiranku, minta ke Dia apa yang aku pengen. 

Kadang sering ngerasa banget, Tuhan emang sedekat itu ya? Apa yang aku ingin tau jawabannya, kdg secepet dan sejelas itu dijawab sm Allah. Tapi ada juga yang aku bingung hrs doa dan ngapain lagi supaya jawabannya segera dijawab dengan sejelas-jelas dan secepat-cepatnya, sampe yg udh se-hopeless- itu hingga akhrnya aku berenti menyebutnya scr detail dan lengkap dalam doa, cuma kukasih deadline hahaha

Oghey, kembali ke paragraf 1. Ternyata menurutku buku ini menarik banget dan menyuguhkan beberapa jawaban yg sedang aku cari. Yang ibaratnya membuatku tersadar atas beberapa hal mengapa segala pencarian akan keberadaan 'muara' ini sangat complicated... Jadi gimana ya, sbnrnya aku ga picky karena who am I to be picky? Jelas aku gak sedang milih-milih, karena aku bukan yang tipe nanggepin banyak orang terus nanti aku ambil satu pemenangnya. tapi, aku tipe yang aku tau apa yang aku mau, aku tau apa yang aku cari, tapi aku nggak nyari? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA apasih kok bego.

The basic question?

Sometimes I wish I could turn back the time, restart it to some moments in my life and did it the way I wanted it to be. But, well, no one can't master the time. It's just that.. a thing that we can't take back even for a second. Also, a thing that we can't take for granted even for the next second.

This one is gonna be the talk about love, probably. My hidden thought about it.

If I could be honest, there were many times I wish I could turn back the time and start it over with someone. Either someone that I ended up being with or someone that I wish I am being with. Sound similar but the second was more like a tragedy.

Speaking about relationship. There were many relationship (in many forms) that I wish wasn't like what it ended it to be. Sometimes, I could take a good care about my feeling toward other people (boys or girls), but the other subject didn't take it the same way I do. And that's, well, so feeling-consuming ya. People are so greedy, who aren't? When it talks about themselves, they always take it first.

If they give, they wanted us to give it back, the same amount. But wait, doesn't giving something when the other people doesn't even ask about it, should be followed with sincerity? Well, at least, you have to try.

As time goes by, I learned that, I can only control what's in me and anything outside of it should be other people's right and I shouldn't be offended with whatever it is. If I mean to give, I will not hoping they will giving back. And If I wanted them to give me back, then I better not give anything. I have so much improvement in making my self to be a careless person. I only mind about what's important and matters to me. If I want, I will say yes. If not, I will say no. At least, I will let you know what I feel about it.

When I say, one I wish I ended with, is something that has never been happened to me. Who to blame? None, but my self. I am not a fighter, I am a giver. I try so hard to show my feeling (every time I have one, but if the other party didn't take it back, I'd be- well- go and eat all the feelings my self).

So, it's like such a cliché for me.. There are things I wish didn't happen and happened. But, I keep tend to take what is certain rather than seeking what I naturally interested just because I didn't have the gut to step out from my boundaries.

So, in this quarter terms of my life.. I probably still stuck in that problematic state of mind. Confused between the thought of "If it meant for me, It will come to me" and "Go seek what's important to you". But life always slapped me in the face.. when I go pursue it, it always ended not what I wanted it to be. In reverse, when I let the universe works for me, the end always become the unexpected. 

That's why I keep saying that I would take as much as it needed to think what's it that I'm looking for, what I need, what I want, where I want to go.. I won't rush thing off for the sake of releasing the social pressure. I believe, when I've done finish to acknowledge the basic question there will lies my answers.

Sincerely,

R